Katherine's Birth

After JC's birth my doctor told me she was not supportive of VBAC's (vaginal Birth after cesarean). She said that there was increased risks with them and as a provider did not recommend them. I also didn't know if I wanted to labor again, as I was afraid that I would end up in the same position and hemorrhaging again, which was terrifying. I figured a scheduled c section would eliminate a lot of that fear; So when we became pregnant a second time we didn't hardly consider a vbac as an option.
My pregnancy went smoothly, except for the horrible morning sickness. Then as we got closer to the c-section i became more and more nervous, having an epidural when not in any pain frankly terrified me; but we proceeded with it.
About a month before her birth life become CRAZY. The Monday before Easter I began having some intense contractions, so i decided i better have it checked out. At the hospital I only had 2 mild contractions 45 minutes apart, but they gave me some medication to slow labor down just to make sure it wouldn't progress. They also checked me and said I was at a "healthy" 3 3/4 cm and 90% effaced, and there was no way I was going to go the 5 weeks until my due date, but hopefully hold out another week or so. (Well that stubborn little girl sure did hold out until her scheduled c-section.)
Then on Good Friday JC was at the park and fell and ended up breaking his leg, so he had to be in a cast for 6 weeks! His cast was on for his second birthday, and he got it off at Katie's one week checkup. It was SO hard being very pregnant and having a little guy that couldn't walk on his own. I finally talked my doctor into putting me on maternity leave early. I also knew I wasn't going to be returning to work, so didn't mind having less time after the baby was born. Then right after that we lost my husbands grandpa, which was a huge heartbreak, even though it was expected. He was an amazing man, who made a huge impact on many people. I became super nervous that Katie would come early and we would be in the hospital for his funeral, but she blessed us. We laid Grandpa Walt to rest the day before Katie's c-section.
The day of her birth we woke up and took JC to my moms and headed for the hospital. They got me and my husband prepped for the OR and I went back. I had to get the spinal block before John could come into the room. Once I got situated and the curtain was put up John was finally able to join me. The doctors made sure I was numb and proceeded with the cesarean. As far as cesareans are considered it was perfectly text book; they got to her and she was born healthy and screaming. They took and wrapped her all up then gave her to my husband who brought her to me so I could see her. They were able to stay for about 3 to 5 minutes then we were told that the two of them needed to leave the room so they could sew me back up. By the time I was put back together we had all agreed I wouldn't go to recovery and just be taken directly to my room so I could see my hubby and daughter.
I got to hold her for the first time in the room, as my spinal was wearing off and I was starting to move again. After about ten minutes John put her in her bassinet and went to the waiting area to bring JC back to our room. He was so excited! When he got into the room I gave him a big hug and then he wanted to see Katherine, so we got her out and helped him hold her. He was such a great big brother right away and was totally in LOVE. It melted my heart to see this bond forming already.
Nursing came so much easier this time, but there was something missing. I wanted to love my daughter and did, but didn't feel a bond with her. I began to feel so disconnected from her birth, like she was ripped from me, and that you could have handed me any child off of the street and I wouldn't have known the difference. It was crushing, i didn't know what to do, or if this would go away. She was about 2 weeks old when I finally had my moment, the moment that was taken from me. She was nursing and reached up and grabbed my pinkie I melted and sobbed for hours. At that moment I knew it wasn't right for me to put myself or my future children through that. I vowed to myself that I would do my research and somehow find somewhere to have my vbac baby.
It took me a long time to start researching as I wanted to heal emotionally first, and I knew we wouldn't have more kids for a long time. When Katie was just over a year old I went to my first ICAN meeting and learned SO much! I wasn't alone, so many moms felt the same about their births; and some of them had gone on to have vbac's and even multiple vbacs! I felt so empowered! It was amazing. I began doing so much research and looking at everything I could. I started looking at what my risks really were, and started learning how many risks there actually were to repeat c-sections. I was floored, the risks of have more than 2 or 3 c-sections was HUGE, how did I not know this? Yes there are risks to having a vbac, but compared to a repeat c-section I knew that I had made my choice. John wasn't 100% on board with it, but could tell how badly I wanted to pursue this and wanted to support me. I began researching the hospitals in my area that did vbacs and getting there success rates etc. I have a ways to go before I am ready for this, but I truly feel that this is the right path for me, and I have grown SO much from this experience and become such a powerful and protective mommy. My kids are my life and thanks to this experience I have realized that I need to not only stand up for them, but also for myself!

P.S. The night I wrote this I had a HUGE moment! It felt so wonderful and empowering! I finally felt at peace with both of my births. I had a lot of anger and hate towards them previously, but that night God took all that anger from me and made me SO grateful for these births. (and please understand I have NEVER not been thankful and ungrateful for my children, the birth experience and having my baby in my arms are 2 totally different things, I think it is hard to understand unless you have had a traumatic birth.) I realized if I had had normal medicated births that I wouldn't be who I am. I would not be the mother or women I am. I wouldn't be fighting for my vbac or for natural births. For the first time I didn't feel that I needed to have a vbac to heal me, which was a huge relief in itself. I am still on track for an amazing natural vbac, but even if I end up with another cesarean I will know that I have done all that is possible to have the baby naturally, and most assuring is baby will be picking their own birthday. I am so excited for this journey and everything our future holds.

Breastfeeding

Before I had my son I was adamant about breastfeeding, I had NO idea how much of a challenge it was going to be. I am SO grateful for my amazing lactation consultant! She was a huge help, without her assistance I don't know if I would have been able to nurse. I saw her daily while in the hospital, and regularly for the first month after we took JC home.
The problems started with our fist feeding, I had inverted nipples and so we had latch issues, and a lot of pain. To get him to nurse he would start on my finger with a feeding tube and transfer to the breast. Due to the extreme tenderness of my nipples they blistered, cracked and bled. I would sit there crying before he ever latched, knowing how much pain was coming. I was literally sick to my stomach while nursing, I couldn't snack with him on the breast and was barley able to drink water. It was truly the worse ongoing pain I have ever experienced. Finally after about 3 months I was able to get nursing figured out, and felt comfortable doing it. We had a long nursing relationship, nursing until he was 17 months old. He weaned when I was about 2 months pregnant with my second child.
I had a much better nursing experience with my daughter. We have had very few issues, some infections, a few issues with mastitis, and I have learnt a lot of new techniques. I have learnt some amazing benefits to coconut oil, apple cider vinegar and probiotics. Katherine is now 20 months old and still nursing and I don't see an end in site. There are days that I really wish she would wean, but when I really think about it I know that she isn't ready and I am really going to miss our time together.

John's birth part 2

Operating room: I don't know where to start. So much was happening at once. It was about 11 am when we were in the operating room and getting started. They had to adjust my medication, to go from an epidural to a full spinal block, once the medication took effect I flipped out. I had no control of myself. I couldn't hardly even turn my head. My husband, John, was amazing. He helped calm me down and refocus on what was important, getting our little boy here and him being healthy. I started to hemorrhage when they began the procedure, so needed medication to try and help slow the bleeding. My body reacted negatively to the first medication tried, and I got extremely high blood pressure. They also put an oxygen mask on me, remind you I am still puking, and can't hardly move my arms, so John and the anesthesiologist is having to remove the mask every time I need to puke. I was also going in and out of conciseness at this point and don't remember him begin born, I felt some pressure, and knew that things were not right with JC, but didn't realize how bad everything actually was.
As soon as JC was born he was taken by the respiratory team. He was born with a heartbeat of 60 bpm and not breathing. The respiratory specialist began compressions and oxygen, after what seemed like a lifetime he started crying, it was such a relief to hear him. I told my husband to join him, and they took the two of them out of the room. I never got to see him.
After JC was born I was put under general anesthesia so the doctors could work on controlling the hemorrhage. I was in surgery for about 2 hours before everything got under control. The general surgeon was called in to perform a hysterectomy, and when he came into the room my uterus "firmed up". I finally got to see my little man when in recovery, but they kept trying to hand him to me, and I was terrified of falling back to sleep and really didn't want to hold or nurse him. Later that day I did nurse him, (which was issues all in itself. I'll right a blog just for that.)
Sometime after the surgery my doctor told me that she had to cut the scar downwards to get JC out, therefor making a vbac attempt not possible. I was so swollen from all the pitocin given to stop the hemorrhage that I couldn't walk for two days, finally four days after he was born we were released from the hospital, and our journey as parents began.

My first pregnancy and birth Part 1

In August 2009 my husband and I began to discuss starting to have a family, but we were going to wait a few months, much to our surprise we found out that we were pregnant in early September. I found a doctor that came strongly recommended, and we clicked right away. I didn't even look into other options; childbirth was hard and I knew that I wanted to have a medicated birth in a hospital. My mom had medicated births, and all my friends had medicated births, so it was just what I wanted to do.
We took the classes offered by the hospital and they were informative, but didn't change my mind about the kind of birth I was going to have.
My pregnancy progressed rather smoothly. At 20 weeks, which ended up being Christmas eve, we found out we were having a boy! We were so thrilled, we chose a name with a lot of family meaning to it and were ready to meet the little guy. After this point I didn't progress as quick as the doctor would have liked. I ended up having 2 more ultrasounds to check that he was still growing, as I was constantly measuring weeks behind. He was always right on track however, just a "small" baby.
On May 4th I woke up at 1 am with stomach pains and thought that since it was a few days early there was no way I could be in labor, so I decided to take a warm bath and see if that helped ease the contractions, well it did, and I went back to sleep. At about 3:30 I woke up, the tub was freezing cold, and I noticed that my stomach was still feeling tight, so I figured I would drain the tub and go get my husband to head to the hospital. When I went to stand up I was overcome with pain, I ended up crawling into the bedroom and woke my husband up telling him it was time to get to the hospital.
I finally was able to regain my composure and walked back out to our living room and sat in our rocking chair while my husband got dressed and got everything into the car. I called my mom to tell her we were on our way to the hospital and she met us there. On the way to the hospital I didn't feel like I was getting any breaks from these contractions, as soon as one stopped the other was building, but i was actually doing okay handling them.
Once we got to the hospital we were immediately admitted and when they checked me I was 100% effaced, 7 cm and my contractions were one to two minutes apart lasting for 60 to 90 seconds each. My husband requested the epidural for me, which I didn't know if I wanted yet, but I knew that I would want it soon, and it was what we agreed on so I didn't say anything, and was glad I didn't because by the time I got it I was in a lot more pain. It took three technicians and six attempts to successfully get an iv started, as my veins kept collapsing. By this time I was puking and felt very ready for me to get the fluids so the epidural could be started. The epidural I requested was what they called a walking epidural, and it helped a lot, but I still felt in control, or what I thought was in control; and was feeling each contraction. The contractions slowed at this point, being three to four minutes apart, lasting 60 to 90 seconds. Labor progressed nicely, and by 8 am I was fully dilated so I did a few practice pushes, hoping it would help break my water, which it didn't, so my doctor went ahead and broke it hoping to bring baby down some. When my water was broken there was signs of maconium, so the doctor called the respiratory specialist to be on hand. I began pushing at around 8:30, and at 9:30 I took a break, he hadn't progressed past the 0 stage. I decided to try to move on my side for a little bit to see if that would help him move, and I continued to push for another hour. At this point my doctor told us that she felt the baby was stuck and the only way to get him out was a c-section. Me not feeling we had any other option asked for one more try at pushing, then we would agree to proceed with the c-section. So I pushed for my third and final hour squatting and hanging onto the back of my bed. I felt totally defeated at this point and collapsed back onto my side. The doctors gave my husband and I a few minutes alone to talk and prepare for our upcoming c-section. I was content with it at this point, as I had felt I did everything possible to get him out, my husband felt horrible for me, seeing how hard I had worked and we were ending it with a c section.
(Looking back on what I know now I realize just how many things I did wrong up to this point. I was being so strong without the epidural I should have stayed up and moving, or gotten back into the water, not gotten the epidural because I knew it was going to get worse. This confined me to the bed, which if I hadn't been stuck on the bed I may have been able to get him unstuck. Then when I was fully dilated I pushed because I was told I needed to, not because I felt the urge, which I believed was because of the epidural, but looking back I was feeling the contractions, so should have been able to feel the urge. If I had just waited, labor had progressed so fast to this point that he may have just not have had the chance to descend down. If he was truly stuck then I could have asked for an inversion, or any other way to turn him, but I didn't know to ask that is what the doctor is for, right? He was having good heart tones, so even just waiting I don't think would have hurt anything, but no matter what we did or didn't do maybe nothing would have helped and he would still have been born via c-section.)