Back to School for the first time

Today was a big day for me and my family. I have officially stopped homeschooling my children, at least for now.
I was able to choke all my tears back during drop off. I have enjoyed homeschooling so much but our house and my younger kiddos are not getting all the attention they need and watch way to much TV. I cannot wait to see my children grow in God and create great friendships... but having them gone for 6 hours a day is killing me. I am SO thankful for the 9 years at home I had with my oldest and know that he will be a great student because of our time together. Here are my kids first ever back to school pictures.

The Birth Story of Madalyn Daisy

This is more than a birth story, this is a journey. The past year + has taught me more about myself then I have ever known. It has shaped me to be a stronger, more compassionate and caring person, mother and wife. Each of my children have changed me in ways that I am so grateful for. If John's birth had gone the way I was expecting I would have been forever fine with the idea that having natural childbirth was crazy, and something I would NEVER consider. Then if Katherine's birth wouldn't have been so emotionally hard on me I would never have found what drives me and is my true passion in life. The scars from my births will never be completely healed, but were huge stepping stones that I have proudly climbed.

After doing tons of research and feeling confident I had my vbac team I felt that one day we would be able to have another baby, but timing didn't feel right. However, on my husbands birthday we found out we were on our way to becoming a family of 5. Wow was I in shock, emotionally I wanted to vbac, but I didn't want another baby yet. We were not ready to add to our family and knew that this was going to be extremely hard financially. This whole pregnancy I had to entrust to God. I knew He had a greater plan then I and He wanted this baby in our lifes at this time.

I called Bella Vie and scheduled my first prenatal appointment with Desiree. This appointment was over and hour and a half long, we had a vbac plan set in place by the time I left. We talked about me, and my health. We quickly determined that I needed to eat more, and she helped me get a meal plan laid out that I felt was something I could do. I started taking vitamins and supplements, other then just prenatal's to help me prep for pregnancy and delivery. Baby's position was critical, as that was the reason for my first c section, so I started chiropractic care right away. I also started looking at the spinning babies website to make sure that I was doing everything to get her into position from early on. Desiree gave me her cell number so I could contact her if I had any issues, it felt amazing having a way to contact her directly if needed.

I had a feeling that I was not as far along as I "should" have been and being I was going to be seeing an OB around 30 weeks we decided to do an early ultrasound to confirm dates and give me as long as possible so that I wouldn't be pushed into induction or a repeat c section before she was ready. We had the ultrasound at what was supposed to be 8 weeks, and found out I was actually only 6 weeks and 5 days! I was able to push my due date back by 9 days! This felt GREAT we were getting the time needed to let this little one come on their own!

The care I was getting was so much better then I could ever expect. Each appointment was an hour long, and was much more in depth than anything I had ever experienced I was learning so much more then I thought one could in a third pregnancy. I got to listen to Maddy's heart with a fetoscope; you can feel the heartbeat, it was totally different then a doppler. I become more aware of the baby's position. The midwife could tell me which way she way laying and even the way she was looking. I was able to walk my fingers up her arm, and along her back, etc. It was amazing knowing what I was feeling, and not guessing if it was a random knee or elbow. At one point I felt her little fist against my stomach when I was taking a bath, I was able to hold my baby's hand for about 20 minutes while she was still inside of me. This was a magical moment; I was still in shock I was pregnant and not sure that I was ready for another baby. My baby was working through me to tell me that it would be okay and that she was mine. She liked to keep her back against mine, or to my side, rather than at my front. So towards the end I would try to lean forward lots, and she was willing to move rather quickly most of the time. We felt this was a great sign that she would be willing to turn and be in ideal position when she was born.  At my 20 week ultrasound we decided we didn't want to know what we were having. We already had a son and a daughter. Deep down I thought that maybe not knowing would give me that extra drive at the end to have this baby my way. I wanted to tell everyone what we had, as I hold the baby on my chest, not have some doctor pull this baby up over a sheet and whisked off to be cleaned up.

The pregnancy progressed very normally, I had the least amount of morning sickness I have had. At around 29 weeks I met with the OB for the first time. He was very supportive of my vba2c and felt that I had a good chance of having the birth I wanted. At my first appointment he told me that he wanted to build enough trust that if he told me in labor that I needed a c section that I knew it was because it was needed, not that he was tired of me laboring, or he had somewhere else to be. The fact that he said he wanted to build trust, and didn't act like he was the doctor so he knew best really put my mind at ease. I knew I had the midwives on my side, but didn't want them to feel like they were having to fight for me. The doctor was concerned I wasn't measuring where I should have been, I knew this was my normal, but we did a couple growth ultrasounds just to confirm. At each ultrasound we would need to remind that staff that we didn't know the gender and to please not tell us. The first ultrasound was hard, but by the end it was rather easy to not know.

At around the 8th month I realized I had to offer this birth to God, I talked with Him in a way I have not done before. I told Him that this is what I wanted, and if it was His will then please let us have a successful and easy birth, and if it was not in the cards for me to keep us safe and give me the power to heal physically and emotionally. This was a HUGE turning point for me; I accepted my first two births for the first time in 2.5 years. I had never accepted Katie's the way I needed and had questioned JC's for the last 2+ years.

Little did I know how much this would come into play. At my 38 week appointment with the ob he told me that at my next appointment he really felt we should do a membrane sweep, as he was going to be leaving town for spring break and he felt that it was important to attend my birth. This was eating me up, as I didn't want any form of induction, but I also felt that he was going to give my midwife and I the best chances to vbac, and give her more room to help me without pressure. At 39+3 I had an appointment with my midwife, I asked her to do my first check this entire pregnancy. She said I was very soft, baby was engaged, and I was about 4 cm dialated! I was very happy with this, it was good progress. I talked with her about what I should do the next day at my ob appointment, and she said that if I wasn't ready that the strip wouldn't work, and as far as inductions are concerned a membrane sweep was the least invasive. I prayed I would go into labor that night, but it didn't happen; so the next day, March 12th, I asked John to stay home with me and take me to my appointment. I was so nervous. We had my appointment, and I agreed to the sweep, I had progressed about 1/2 cm, so he said he really felt that I would go into labor the following day, and I would see him within 48 hours.

We decided to walk a bunch and try to get contractions started, this was right around noon; so we walked over to L&D and did the pre check-in that we were supposed to mail in before the birth. We then realized that I left my phone in the doctors office, so we walked the stairs back up, well most of the way at least. I was having contractions already, but felt that they were from the membrane sweep. There was just a couple last minute things I needed from the store, so we went to the mall and did a little shopping. On our way home we needed to stop and get gas, when at the gas station I talked to my midwife on the phone, it was 2:00 at this point. I asked her if there was any chance that these were the real thing, and she said to trust my gut. I decided that I would go home and relax for awhile and see if they changed at all.

We then went to pick up our kids from the sitter, then headed home; I headed to our room to try and soak in the tub for a little bit, and hopefully nap. I sat in the bath for about 20 minutes, but was to uncomfortable. I laid in bed for about half an hour, but couldn't sleep. By this point it was about 4 and my mom was getting off of work, so she called me to see how my doctors appointment had gone, as I hadn't really talked to anyone yet. I asked her to please come to the house and watch the kids, until my sister in law could get to the house. She asked how far apart the contractions were, and I said about 5 minutes apart, but they were not even a minute long. She tried to convience me to meet her in Salem, but I assured her to come to the house, as John was making the kids dinner. I was in complete denial that this was active labor, contractions were hurting, but as soon as one was done I was able to pick up conversation where I left off. I knew I was in labor, but thought it was still early and didn't wan't to go to the hospital to soon and be put on any form of clock. I completely trusted my midwives, but didn't want them to have to run interfearnce. I had been on the phone a couple of times with Desiree and she was encouraging us to get to the hospital. I told her as soon as my mom got to the house we would head in. She called me back and asked if we had left yet, I told her we had not, John was grabbing a bite to eat as it was going to be a long night, and I was doing okay (or so I thought). She asked me to hand the phone to John. I am still not sure exactly what she said, but as soon as he hung up with her we walked out the door.

Once in the car I realized just how in labor I was. I had a contraction in our driveway, one more before we made it onto 22, and then about 5 or 6 more before we made it to the hospital! Man was it intense. Once we got to the hospital I called my doula, Jen, she was a student midwife, and also taught our birth class. Desiree was behind us, but Jen was waiting for us right outside of the labor and delivery building, and we were parking the car. As we got out of the car and headed for the elevator I was hurting pretty bad. On the elevator my water broke, wow did contractions change! They were so much more intense. I got off of the elevator, and walked as far as I could in between the contractions. They were comming one on top of the other. We made it to where we had to cross the street to get to the building, buy this point Jen had found me and we were heading in to get checked in together. I made it to the center median, and had another contraction. I stopped and looked and Jen and told her I was feeling pushy. She rushed to get me a wheelchair and being right at shift change there were nurses and other hospital staff gathering around. She got me the wheelchair and we started to head in to the hospital. I wasn't able to sit in the chair well at all, as the baby was so low and contrations were coming so fast. About this time my doctor comes rushing off of the elevator looking for me. Desiree had called him and told him I was comming in and I was in transition. He ended up pushing me onto the elevator, there was a poor kid who was about 4 years old on the elevator, who will be scared to death of having babies for life, lol. When we got to the second floor, L&D he told the gal at check in that I wouldn't be stopping and pushed me right back to a room. When we got to the nurses station he asked for the closest room that was clean, which happened to be the one right in front of us. John went back up front to try and get me checked in, as Jen helped me get onto the bed.

I was still wearing jeans, so she had to try and peel them off of me, not an easy task being they are now soaked! as she did this I crawled onto the bed on all fours, and it just so happened my head was facing the foot of the bed. The doctor asked for me to turn around and lay on my back so he could check me, as he can't check well when I was upright. This was the point that I thought I couldn't do it, and give me the epidural, but I didn't get the chance to say a thing because the nurse said there was no need to check because this baby has hair. Oh wow it was time to do this!!!! My doctor then told me that there was no way to catch a baby when I was like that and I had to at least turn around, I kept just saying ok, but there was no way I could, I couldn't move during a contraction, and between contractions I just wanted to breath. Jen went to get John as she didn't want him missing the birth and after they both got into the room Desiree got to the hospital. When she got there I was in my zone. I knew she was there, but I didn't see her. Just having her in the room was such a comfort. She came to my side and said very quietly to me that it was time to move around and she was going to assist me. I moved around and ended up laying on my right side. They got monitors on the baby right away, and she was doing well. They were trying to get an iv started, since I did hemorrhage with JC we wanted to make sure I was able to receive Pitocin if needed  after the birth. I had a couple contractions and then started feeling the urge to push. John and Jen were both up by my head and getting me cool rags, and helping me keep deeper tones in my volume.

Our original plan was no coached pushing, but once Madalyn dropped far enough down that she wasn't moving up during contractions her heart rate plummeted. Desiree came up by me and told me that she knew this wasn't in my plan but we needed to get this baby out and now. My doctor was also very supportive and said we were going to push this baby out; they put oxygen on me and the NICU team was called just in case. I realized I still had my shirt on (as I had clothes I had planned on delivering in, but didn't have any chance to change) and really wanted to do skin to skin, so my doula, midwife and hubby all helped me get it off. I pushed a couple more times and reached down to grab her. Her umbilical cord was around her neck so I had to pause for a half a second. I then pulled her onto my chest where the nurse covered her with a blanket. She was crying right away and the NICU doctors that were waiting at the front door asked if she was ok and left. John and I just looked at the baby for a few moments, and each other. I couldn't believe it, it happened so fast, and was so easy. Then we realized that the nurse, Jen and Desiree were all watching us. Everyone was waiting to see if he had had a son or daughter. we raised the blanket up and peeked to see that we had a healthy beautiful baby girl. A little bit after her birth we were talking about how fast it went, and talking about how long it took. To me it felt fast, but I thought it took about 45 minutes or so. Then I remembered that we called Jen when we parked the car! She pulled out her phone and looked at the time stamp. It read 5:57 and her time of birth was 6:25! wow 27 minutes!!!! We didn't cut the cord for several minutes; and after the plecenta was delivered I did need stitches, so I nursed her while getting stitched up. I held her for over an hour before I handed her to her dad and she went to get weighed. At that time Desiree got me my jammies and I went to the restroom and got clean and put on my own clothes, it felt amazing!!!!

Due to some vaccine issues we were in the delivery room for a lot longer then usual, but were able to have the kids visit. JC was instantly in love with his sister, and on the way into the hospital was telling everyone he was there to meet his sister. Katie on the other hand didn't want anything  to do with Maddy, I think she was really wanting a brother and realized that having a sister meant that there may be another princess around. (Madalyn has officially been nicknamed the pea, and within a week Katie loved her sister.) When we moved upstairs the kids went home and Desiree made sure we were settled in and headed home. Because I was still nursing Katie my milk came in right away! This birth and recovery (even with a bad tear) was so healing and an overall amazing experience. I think before we left the hospital I said I wanted to do that again! I love all of my children so much and am so grateful that God has blessed me with these three wonderful children and this amazing journey.

My road to vbac

Once I started doing my research for vbac I realized that I would have a few more challenges than a lot of moms. I was not only a vaginal birth after 2 cesareans, (vba2c) but also due to my sons position I had what is known as a special scar. Rather than a low transverse incision, the typical for moms I have what I understand to be an upright T incision. JC's head was wedged in good enough that my doctor told me she had to cut down to get him out.

I wasn't sure where to start, I talked with a few friends and learnt about ICAN and also learned about a group called Special Scars, Special Women. I found both groups online and started reading all the stories I could. Everyone said your first step was getting you medical records to see exactly how things happened, especially with my first birth. After I finally decided to call the hospital and see about getting them I picked them up and went home thinking that it would be easy to just set down and read them. Of course some of the medical lingo I didn't think I would know, but most of it would make since. I didn't even get to the surgical part of JC's birth before I was in tears, I felt like a failure; how did this happen, everything was progressing SO well. So many stories I had read started with 30+ hours of labor, moms getting to the hospital at 2cm dilated, and contractions 5 minutes apart! I DIDN'T I was 6 cm dilated and my contractions were under 2 minutes apart! Yes maybe I hadn't planned a natural birth, which unfortunately lots of moms had, but I had done so much of this on my own! In under 4 hours at the hospital I was fully dilated and ready to push, that wasn't my problem I progressed great! JC handled the labor great, he wasn't having any decelerations he didn't need to get out. My body didn't fail me, but something did fail, somehow I did fail; my body failed I couldn't do this.

Katie's report was much more traditional to read, but left me feeling empty. I didn't understand how something that went so well, as far as cesarean sections are concerned, could leave such a hurt. I felt true birth trauma, but I picked this. After reading over both of the reports I knew that I was more prepared to start down this path.

Shortly after this point I knew I was going to be seeing our family doctor, who had delivered both John and Katherine, and would be telling her my plan to vbac any future babies. I knew this wouldn't be easy as she was not vbac supportive, and I really liked her as a doctor so needing to find someone else to be with me for a pregnancy wasn't something I wanted to do. When I started talking to her she told me that as a practice they were going to no longer be doing ob care and focus just on family practice. This was so great to hear, it took a funny weight off of my shoulders, I was going to have to find a new ob anyway; a funny weight was lifted. It was a huge conformation I was doing the right thing! It was now either find someone that I wanted to slice me open, or find the support of a doctor to deliver a baby.

So now the research really needed to begin. I started reading about vbac, and natural birth. I wanted to know that others had done this and been successful, and found SO SO many that were. I also read the bad and scary as I didn't want to be blind to it, you can find the bad, which is sad and horrible; however most of these cases were either before labor ever started and completely unavoidable or cases where induction and/or pain medication was used. Women had delivered naturally for years, I could also, right? So many friends had said they were going to do natural childbirth then got the epidural, and felt bad about it, so I had always said that I would just get the epidural when it got to intense. This was going to take me changing my way of thinking, but I was up for it.

Salem hospital had just started offering vbac's and they were having good success, so I was considering looking for a doctor out of this hospital, and also several hospitals in Portland are vbac friendly and have known success but I didn't know if I wanted to drive that far for every appointment, and in labor. I then really considered finding a midwife and just doing a home birth, but decided for both John and I this may not be the best option just in case of complications and I did need surgery in a hurry. In December 2011 there was a showing of "Birth Story: Ina May Gaskin & the Farm Midwives" at Salem Library; a friend and I decided it would be fun to go, as she was preparing for a natural childbirth as well. Here I met Desiree who I started asking about vbac and what my chances may be of finding someone who would support me if I were to have one. She was passionate about vbac and felt that it would be something I could do with the right team, I got her information and held onto it. In that short 10 minutes, that I am sure she doesn't remember until she reads this, I felt like I might have a real chance at this. I continued going to ICAN and reading everything that I could; to the point I started thinking of becoming a doula. I knew that birth was something that I was quickly becoming passionate about, and I wanted to help other moms avoid what I had gone thru.

John wasn't sure he wanted me to vbac and was really concerned about risks involved, but was willing to learn more as he could tell how important to me this was. Then in June 2013 he agreed to go with me to meet with Desiree about doing dual care and having her doula for me at the hospital with an ob, and her doing my prenatal care. Another mom in my ICAN group had just done this and had a very successful vbac at the hospital, we were not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, however I wanted to know that I could get support or I would seriously reconsider having more children. We left the meet and greet feeling awesome! Desiree was amazing and said that she would be more than willing to assist at a hospital birth, and that the ob she worked with was great and would most likely be supportive and not have any issues seeing me.

Well God works in amazing ways, July 5th (John's birthday) we found out that we were pregnant. I was in shock, this was not what we wanted, we were not in a situation where we felt we could easily have more kids, but knew that this was God's will and looked forward to our journey that laid ahead.

Katherine's Birth

After JC's birth my doctor told me she was not supportive of VBAC's (vaginal Birth after cesarean). She said that there was increased risks with them and as a provider did not recommend them. I also didn't know if I wanted to labor again, as I was afraid that I would end up in the same position and hemorrhaging again, which was terrifying. I figured a scheduled c section would eliminate a lot of that fear; So when we became pregnant a second time we didn't hardly consider a vbac as an option.
My pregnancy went smoothly, except for the horrible morning sickness. Then as we got closer to the c-section i became more and more nervous, having an epidural when not in any pain frankly terrified me; but we proceeded with it.
About a month before her birth life become CRAZY. The Monday before Easter I began having some intense contractions, so i decided i better have it checked out. At the hospital I only had 2 mild contractions 45 minutes apart, but they gave me some medication to slow labor down just to make sure it wouldn't progress. They also checked me and said I was at a "healthy" 3 3/4 cm and 90% effaced, and there was no way I was going to go the 5 weeks until my due date, but hopefully hold out another week or so. (Well that stubborn little girl sure did hold out until her scheduled c-section.)
Then on Good Friday JC was at the park and fell and ended up breaking his leg, so he had to be in a cast for 6 weeks! His cast was on for his second birthday, and he got it off at Katie's one week checkup. It was SO hard being very pregnant and having a little guy that couldn't walk on his own. I finally talked my doctor into putting me on maternity leave early. I also knew I wasn't going to be returning to work, so didn't mind having less time after the baby was born. Then right after that we lost my husbands grandpa, which was a huge heartbreak, even though it was expected. He was an amazing man, who made a huge impact on many people. I became super nervous that Katie would come early and we would be in the hospital for his funeral, but she blessed us. We laid Grandpa Walt to rest the day before Katie's c-section.
The day of her birth we woke up and took JC to my moms and headed for the hospital. They got me and my husband prepped for the OR and I went back. I had to get the spinal block before John could come into the room. Once I got situated and the curtain was put up John was finally able to join me. The doctors made sure I was numb and proceeded with the cesarean. As far as cesareans are considered it was perfectly text book; they got to her and she was born healthy and screaming. They took and wrapped her all up then gave her to my husband who brought her to me so I could see her. They were able to stay for about 3 to 5 minutes then we were told that the two of them needed to leave the room so they could sew me back up. By the time I was put back together we had all agreed I wouldn't go to recovery and just be taken directly to my room so I could see my hubby and daughter.
I got to hold her for the first time in the room, as my spinal was wearing off and I was starting to move again. After about ten minutes John put her in her bassinet and went to the waiting area to bring JC back to our room. He was so excited! When he got into the room I gave him a big hug and then he wanted to see Katherine, so we got her out and helped him hold her. He was such a great big brother right away and was totally in LOVE. It melted my heart to see this bond forming already.
Nursing came so much easier this time, but there was something missing. I wanted to love my daughter and did, but didn't feel a bond with her. I began to feel so disconnected from her birth, like she was ripped from me, and that you could have handed me any child off of the street and I wouldn't have known the difference. It was crushing, i didn't know what to do, or if this would go away. She was about 2 weeks old when I finally had my moment, the moment that was taken from me. She was nursing and reached up and grabbed my pinkie I melted and sobbed for hours. At that moment I knew it wasn't right for me to put myself or my future children through that. I vowed to myself that I would do my research and somehow find somewhere to have my vbac baby.
It took me a long time to start researching as I wanted to heal emotionally first, and I knew we wouldn't have more kids for a long time. When Katie was just over a year old I went to my first ICAN meeting and learned SO much! I wasn't alone, so many moms felt the same about their births; and some of them had gone on to have vbac's and even multiple vbacs! I felt so empowered! It was amazing. I began doing so much research and looking at everything I could. I started looking at what my risks really were, and started learning how many risks there actually were to repeat c-sections. I was floored, the risks of have more than 2 or 3 c-sections was HUGE, how did I not know this? Yes there are risks to having a vbac, but compared to a repeat c-section I knew that I had made my choice. John wasn't 100% on board with it, but could tell how badly I wanted to pursue this and wanted to support me. I began researching the hospitals in my area that did vbacs and getting there success rates etc. I have a ways to go before I am ready for this, but I truly feel that this is the right path for me, and I have grown SO much from this experience and become such a powerful and protective mommy. My kids are my life and thanks to this experience I have realized that I need to not only stand up for them, but also for myself!

P.S. The night I wrote this I had a HUGE moment! It felt so wonderful and empowering! I finally felt at peace with both of my births. I had a lot of anger and hate towards them previously, but that night God took all that anger from me and made me SO grateful for these births. (and please understand I have NEVER not been thankful and ungrateful for my children, the birth experience and having my baby in my arms are 2 totally different things, I think it is hard to understand unless you have had a traumatic birth.) I realized if I had had normal medicated births that I wouldn't be who I am. I would not be the mother or women I am. I wouldn't be fighting for my vbac or for natural births. For the first time I didn't feel that I needed to have a vbac to heal me, which was a huge relief in itself. I am still on track for an amazing natural vbac, but even if I end up with another cesarean I will know that I have done all that is possible to have the baby naturally, and most assuring is baby will be picking their own birthday. I am so excited for this journey and everything our future holds.

Breastfeeding

Before I had my son I was adamant about breastfeeding, I had NO idea how much of a challenge it was going to be. I am SO grateful for my amazing lactation consultant! She was a huge help, without her assistance I don't know if I would have been able to nurse. I saw her daily while in the hospital, and regularly for the first month after we took JC home.
The problems started with our fist feeding, I had inverted nipples and so we had latch issues, and a lot of pain. To get him to nurse he would start on my finger with a feeding tube and transfer to the breast. Due to the extreme tenderness of my nipples they blistered, cracked and bled. I would sit there crying before he ever latched, knowing how much pain was coming. I was literally sick to my stomach while nursing, I couldn't snack with him on the breast and was barley able to drink water. It was truly the worse ongoing pain I have ever experienced. Finally after about 3 months I was able to get nursing figured out, and felt comfortable doing it. We had a long nursing relationship, nursing until he was 17 months old. He weaned when I was about 2 months pregnant with my second child.
I had a much better nursing experience with my daughter. We have had very few issues, some infections, a few issues with mastitis, and I have learnt a lot of new techniques. I have learnt some amazing benefits to coconut oil, apple cider vinegar and probiotics. Katherine is now 20 months old and still nursing and I don't see an end in site. There are days that I really wish she would wean, but when I really think about it I know that she isn't ready and I am really going to miss our time together.

John's birth part 2

Operating room: I don't know where to start. So much was happening at once. It was about 11 am when we were in the operating room and getting started. They had to adjust my medication, to go from an epidural to a full spinal block, once the medication took effect I flipped out. I had no control of myself. I couldn't hardly even turn my head. My husband, John, was amazing. He helped calm me down and refocus on what was important, getting our little boy here and him being healthy. I started to hemorrhage when they began the procedure, so needed medication to try and help slow the bleeding. My body reacted negatively to the first medication tried, and I got extremely high blood pressure. They also put an oxygen mask on me, remind you I am still puking, and can't hardly move my arms, so John and the anesthesiologist is having to remove the mask every time I need to puke. I was also going in and out of conciseness at this point and don't remember him begin born, I felt some pressure, and knew that things were not right with JC, but didn't realize how bad everything actually was.
As soon as JC was born he was taken by the respiratory team. He was born with a heartbeat of 60 bpm and not breathing. The respiratory specialist began compressions and oxygen, after what seemed like a lifetime he started crying, it was such a relief to hear him. I told my husband to join him, and they took the two of them out of the room. I never got to see him.
After JC was born I was put under general anesthesia so the doctors could work on controlling the hemorrhage. I was in surgery for about 2 hours before everything got under control. The general surgeon was called in to perform a hysterectomy, and when he came into the room my uterus "firmed up". I finally got to see my little man when in recovery, but they kept trying to hand him to me, and I was terrified of falling back to sleep and really didn't want to hold or nurse him. Later that day I did nurse him, (which was issues all in itself. I'll right a blog just for that.)
Sometime after the surgery my doctor told me that she had to cut the scar downwards to get JC out, therefor making a vbac attempt not possible. I was so swollen from all the pitocin given to stop the hemorrhage that I couldn't walk for two days, finally four days after he was born we were released from the hospital, and our journey as parents began.

My first pregnancy and birth Part 1

In August 2009 my husband and I began to discuss starting to have a family, but we were going to wait a few months, much to our surprise we found out that we were pregnant in early September. I found a doctor that came strongly recommended, and we clicked right away. I didn't even look into other options; childbirth was hard and I knew that I wanted to have a medicated birth in a hospital. My mom had medicated births, and all my friends had medicated births, so it was just what I wanted to do.
We took the classes offered by the hospital and they were informative, but didn't change my mind about the kind of birth I was going to have.
My pregnancy progressed rather smoothly. At 20 weeks, which ended up being Christmas eve, we found out we were having a boy! We were so thrilled, we chose a name with a lot of family meaning to it and were ready to meet the little guy. After this point I didn't progress as quick as the doctor would have liked. I ended up having 2 more ultrasounds to check that he was still growing, as I was constantly measuring weeks behind. He was always right on track however, just a "small" baby.
On May 4th I woke up at 1 am with stomach pains and thought that since it was a few days early there was no way I could be in labor, so I decided to take a warm bath and see if that helped ease the contractions, well it did, and I went back to sleep. At about 3:30 I woke up, the tub was freezing cold, and I noticed that my stomach was still feeling tight, so I figured I would drain the tub and go get my husband to head to the hospital. When I went to stand up I was overcome with pain, I ended up crawling into the bedroom and woke my husband up telling him it was time to get to the hospital.
I finally was able to regain my composure and walked back out to our living room and sat in our rocking chair while my husband got dressed and got everything into the car. I called my mom to tell her we were on our way to the hospital and she met us there. On the way to the hospital I didn't feel like I was getting any breaks from these contractions, as soon as one stopped the other was building, but i was actually doing okay handling them.
Once we got to the hospital we were immediately admitted and when they checked me I was 100% effaced, 7 cm and my contractions were one to two minutes apart lasting for 60 to 90 seconds each. My husband requested the epidural for me, which I didn't know if I wanted yet, but I knew that I would want it soon, and it was what we agreed on so I didn't say anything, and was glad I didn't because by the time I got it I was in a lot more pain. It took three technicians and six attempts to successfully get an iv started, as my veins kept collapsing. By this time I was puking and felt very ready for me to get the fluids so the epidural could be started. The epidural I requested was what they called a walking epidural, and it helped a lot, but I still felt in control, or what I thought was in control; and was feeling each contraction. The contractions slowed at this point, being three to four minutes apart, lasting 60 to 90 seconds. Labor progressed nicely, and by 8 am I was fully dilated so I did a few practice pushes, hoping it would help break my water, which it didn't, so my doctor went ahead and broke it hoping to bring baby down some. When my water was broken there was signs of maconium, so the doctor called the respiratory specialist to be on hand. I began pushing at around 8:30, and at 9:30 I took a break, he hadn't progressed past the 0 stage. I decided to try to move on my side for a little bit to see if that would help him move, and I continued to push for another hour. At this point my doctor told us that she felt the baby was stuck and the only way to get him out was a c-section. Me not feeling we had any other option asked for one more try at pushing, then we would agree to proceed with the c-section. So I pushed for my third and final hour squatting and hanging onto the back of my bed. I felt totally defeated at this point and collapsed back onto my side. The doctors gave my husband and I a few minutes alone to talk and prepare for our upcoming c-section. I was content with it at this point, as I had felt I did everything possible to get him out, my husband felt horrible for me, seeing how hard I had worked and we were ending it with a c section.
(Looking back on what I know now I realize just how many things I did wrong up to this point. I was being so strong without the epidural I should have stayed up and moving, or gotten back into the water, not gotten the epidural because I knew it was going to get worse. This confined me to the bed, which if I hadn't been stuck on the bed I may have been able to get him unstuck. Then when I was fully dilated I pushed because I was told I needed to, not because I felt the urge, which I believed was because of the epidural, but looking back I was feeling the contractions, so should have been able to feel the urge. If I had just waited, labor had progressed so fast to this point that he may have just not have had the chance to descend down. If he was truly stuck then I could have asked for an inversion, or any other way to turn him, but I didn't know to ask that is what the doctor is for, right? He was having good heart tones, so even just waiting I don't think would have hurt anything, but no matter what we did or didn't do maybe nothing would have helped and he would still have been born via c-section.)