My pregnancy went smoothly, except for the horrible morning sickness. Then as we got closer to the c-section i became more and more nervous, having an epidural when not in any pain frankly terrified me; but we proceeded with it.
About a month before her birth life become CRAZY. The Monday before Easter I began having some intense contractions, so i decided i better have it checked out. At the hospital I only had 2 mild contractions 45 minutes apart, but they gave me some medication to slow labor down just to make sure it wouldn't progress. They also checked me and said I was at a "healthy" 3 3/4 cm and 90% effaced, and there was no way I was going to go the 5 weeks until my due date, but hopefully hold out another week or so. (Well that stubborn little girl sure did hold out until her scheduled c-section.)
Then on Good Friday JC was at the park and fell and ended up breaking his leg, so he had to be in a cast for 6 weeks! His cast was on for his second birthday, and he got it off at Katie's one week checkup. It was SO hard being very pregnant and having a little guy that couldn't walk on his own. I finally talked my doctor into putting me on maternity leave early. I also knew I wasn't going to be returning to work, so didn't mind having less time after the baby was born. Then right after that we lost my husbands grandpa, which was a huge heartbreak, even though it was expected. He was an amazing man, who made a huge impact on many people. I became super nervous that Katie would come early and we would be in the hospital for his funeral, but she blessed us. We laid Grandpa Walt to rest the day before Katie's c-section.
The day of her birth we woke up and took JC to my moms and headed for the hospital. They got me and my husband prepped for the OR and I went back. I had to get the spinal block before John could come into the room. Once I got situated and the curtain was put up John was finally able to join me. The doctors made sure I was numb and proceeded with the cesarean. As far as cesareans are considered it was perfectly text book; they got to her and she was born healthy and screaming. They took and wrapped her all up then gave her to my husband who brought her to me so I could see her. They were able to stay for about 3 to 5 minutes then we were told that the two of them needed to leave the room so they could sew me back up. By the time I was put back together we had all agreed I wouldn't go to recovery and just be taken directly to my room so I could see my hubby and daughter.
I got to hold her for the first time in the room, as my spinal was wearing off and I was starting to move again. After about ten minutes John put her in her bassinet and went to the waiting area to bring JC back to our room. He was so excited! When he got into the room I gave him a big hug and then he wanted to see Katherine, so we got her out and helped him hold her. He was such a great big brother right away and was totally in LOVE. It melted my heart to see this bond forming already.
Nursing came so much easier this time, but there was something missing. I wanted to love my daughter and did, but didn't feel a bond with her. I began to feel so disconnected from her birth, like she was ripped from me, and that you could have handed me any child off of the street and I wouldn't have known the difference. It was crushing, i didn't know what to do, or if this would go away. She was about 2 weeks old when I finally had my moment, the moment that was taken from me. She was nursing and reached up and grabbed my pinkie I melted and sobbed for hours. At that moment I knew it wasn't right for me to put myself or my future children through that. I vowed to myself that I would do my research and somehow find somewhere to have my vbac baby.
It took me a long time to start researching as I wanted to heal emotionally first, and I knew we wouldn't have more kids for a long time. When Katie was just over a year old I went to my first ICAN meeting and learned SO much! I wasn't alone, so many moms felt the same about their births; and some of them had gone on to have vbac's and even multiple vbacs! I felt so empowered! It was amazing. I began doing so much research and looking at everything I could. I started looking at what my risks really were, and started learning how many risks there actually were to repeat c-sections. I was floored, the risks of have more than 2 or 3 c-sections was HUGE, how did I not know this? Yes there are risks to having a vbac, but compared to a repeat c-section I knew that I had made my choice. John wasn't 100% on board with it, but could tell how badly I wanted to pursue this and wanted to support me. I began researching the hospitals in my area that did vbacs and getting there success rates etc. I have a ways to go before I am ready for this, but I truly feel that this is the right path for me, and I have grown SO much from this experience and become such a powerful and protective mommy. My kids are my life and thanks to this experience I have realized that I need to not only stand up for them, but also for myself!
P.S. The night I wrote this I had a HUGE moment! It felt so wonderful and empowering! I finally felt at peace with both of my births. I had a lot of anger and hate towards them previously, but that night God took all that anger from me and made me SO grateful for these births. (and please understand I have NEVER not been thankful and ungrateful for my children, the birth experience and having my baby in my arms are 2 totally different things, I think it is hard to understand unless you have had a traumatic birth.) I realized if I had had normal medicated births that I wouldn't be who I am. I would not be the mother or women I am. I wouldn't be fighting for my vbac or for natural births. For the first time I didn't feel that I needed to have a vbac to heal me, which was a huge relief in itself. I am still on track for an amazing natural vbac, but even if I end up with another cesarean I will know that I have done all that is possible to have the baby naturally, and most assuring is baby will be picking their own birthday. I am so excited for this journey and everything our future holds.
